What If....

Have you ever wondered what life would have been like if you chose to do things another way?

I always wondered what life would be like if I did not have Larissa.

I'd probably be living a meaningless life. I'd probably still be clubbing every night, wasting my life away getting drunk and being hung over the next day.

Yes, I was an alcoholic and I dabbled in illegal stuff. Life was all about getting high and not having to think about it at all.

I never thought that a baby can tie me down so much. It feels like she is all to me and without her, I'm nothing.

I stopped clubbing after I had her and somehow, I think her not being able to sleep throughout the night is god's way of keeping me grounded. Though I still meet friends for an occasionally drink it two, I make it a point to get home before midnight.

Somehow, I feel that Larissa has inherited all the best of me. She is the most generous kid that I know, she always shares and makes it a point to ask people around her if they want something she's holding onto. If she does snatch something from another kid, all I have to do is to remind her that she needs to share and she will give it up.

I always think of life without her and I admit that I do miss single life but I wouldn't want it another way. I am thankful to have her even though it means that I have to deal with that useless piece of crap she calls daddy.

The only regret I have is actually getting married. I should have just had Larissa without getting married.

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She Loves Her Greens

This is a little odd for a child of her age but Larissa loves her greens and I do mean all kinds of greens. She takes broccoli and even coriander which I doubt any other kids would wanna even touch. Oh, and she loves bean sprouts! Here's a video showing her eating broccoli.

Cleaning Up My Life

I have finally decided to clean up my life a little.

I'm starting with my MSN Messenger, Facebook and finally Skype.

Setting up a new MSN email address and this time I'm adding only friends I keep in contact often. I will try to deactivate my current email account or I will simply not log in at all.

Deleting people off my Facebook account as well and keeping only people I really know and shared a part of my life with. Changing the email account linked to my Facebook and not allowing people to search for me so that it be easy to add me unless I added them.

Deleting all my contacts on Skype and not logging in anymore since I don't really have much use for it.

Deactivating all the emails accounts that I have and don't use often.

I am considering making this blog a private one as well. Its about time to keep my life to myself. :)

Never Say I Love You

Never say I love you.....
if you don't really care
Never talk about feelings.....
if you they aren't really there
Never hold my hand......
if you're going to break my heart
Never say you're going to.....
if you don't plan to start
Never look me in the eye....
if all you do is lie
Never say hello....
if you really mean goodbye
if you really mean forever......
then say you'll try
Never say forever......
'cuz forever makes me cry

Reason why I don't say the three words easily. I won't say the three words until I am sure and when I do, please don't break my heart... 

Our Feisty Princess - Charmaine Lim 14 July 2005 - 21 Oct 2011

I'm not sure how many people still remember Charmaine Lim. Her story was featured on The Newpaper sometime in 2009.

Her name is Charmaine, the feisty little girl who was diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma - a malignant tumor that develops from nerve tissue - when she was only 4 years old. Her mom, Cynthia, refused to give up despite being told that she had only 10% chance at recovery and she refuses to let Charmaine stick to the conventional treatment of chemotherapy which would mean that Charmaine will have to be confined in her home. She wanted Charmaine to have a normal childhood just like any other kid. She seeked the latest medical breakthrough, the latest treatment for Charmaine which brought them to the States.

I read about Charmaine when I was still pregnant with Larissa, before I became a mom. At that point of time, I simply did not understand what Cynthia was doing. To me then, I did not understand why she was doing what she did Charmaine was just one of the millions of children who suffered from the illness and she is lucky that there are so many people who cared about her, enough to start a blog for her and raise funds for her treatments.

It was only recently that I started reading the blog again. As I read through Cynthia's blog posts, I could feel her pain, the pain of a mother whose child is suffering. I teared when reading her blog and as I looked at Larissa who is so innocent and so beautiful to me, I really felt the immense pain that Cynthia must have gone through. No mom would wanna see her baby, the tiny one we carried in our arms have to go through such pain. If this had happened to Larissa, I would pray every single day that god let me take her place, let me be the one to suffer.I finally understood why Cynthia did all that. A mom should never take no for an answer. Even when the doctors at KKH were very grim, Cynthia managed to find one doctor who agreed to treat Charmaine and helped her seek the help of doctors in the US. 

Sadly, Charmaine left her mom in the wee hours on 21st Oct 2011. After 3 years of a long hard battle with the cancer, it spread all over and as her mom described, you can literally see the tumors popping up all over and they left her with wounds that bled so much. She has left this world for a better place, one which she can be happy and free from suffering....

What Are Words

A song that I want to share with everyone. This song is sang by Chris Medina, one of the contestants of America Idol. Its about his fiance, who met with a car accident just 2 months before their wedding and suffered serious head trauma. Although it was before they got married, Chris decided that he will stay with her and see her through the tough times. I am touched that there is a man like Chris out there. Somehow, it gives us hope that true love still exists... 

H & M

Been wondering whats all the hype around the opening of H&M's store at Somerset. Today is a good day to make a trip to town as my sister in law was having her flea stall at Scape and its been a while since she saw the little one.

Boarded the train and it took me less than 20 mins to get to Somerset. Ahhh...the convenience of staying at Toa Payoh. LOL!

Larissa had a fall just before we boarded the train and the poor girl scraped her knees a little. From then on, it was, "Mommy, bao bao!" all the way.

First stop was to Gong Cha to buy her favourite bubble tea drink before heading over to my sister in law's stall. Larissa. Bubble tea is Larissa's greatest addiction. If you are holding a cup in hand, she will keep hounding you to let her have a sip. I guess its because I had too much bubble tea when I was carrying her. All I craved for was bubble tea! LOL!

We visited her aunt, stopped by for about 30 mins before we headed to H&M.
Before we left the flea, I decided to get a spray on tattoo for Larissa.

The guy who did the spray on commented that Larissa is their youngest customer! LOL!
Its kinda weird to see a queue for a store like H&M. I thought only stores like Louis Vuitton would have a queue. The queue moved very fast though and we were in the store in no time.

There are 3 stories, level 1 and 2 are for the ladies and level 3 for kids and men. I did not bother with level 1 and went straight up to level 3 to look at clothes for Larissa. The first thing that caught Larissa's eyes was a pair of red coloured boots. I let her try it on and she walked around with it for a while before she decided that she don't want it.

I got her a pair of jeans at $17.90 which I thought is pretty cheap. As we walked along, I saw a pair of bright red wellingtons that costs only $29.90! I've always wanted to get a pair for Larissa and I reckon someone from up above heard me. LOL

I also got a pair of intimates and a foldable umbrella for myself. Total damage = $90.00!


Cannot afford to spend like this anymore. Thats why I don't go to town, because I can never resist to splurge on Larissa! Luckily she was with me. If I went there alone and had time to shop, I probably would have bought lots of clothes!

A Letter to My Girl

My darling girl,

You are still learning how to speak and cannot tell mommy your feelings. I can only try my best to understand you and make guesses at what you are trying to say.

Mommy is sorry that I have to leave daddy and bring you along with me. You are still too young to understand but mommy will explain it to you when you grow up one day. Daddy still loves you as much as ever. He just won't have the time to visit you as much cause he will be starting his new family soon.

No matter what happens, mommy will always be here for you. You will be mommy's pride and all I want is the best for you. No matter how tough life gets going, or what obstacles are thrown at me, I will try my best to bring you up as well as I can.

I hope that you can grow up to be humble, selfless and fearless like mommy's idol Mr. Chiam. Do not fear my dear for I am here. We may fall in life but what's important is that we learn how to get up from where we fall. Remember that the scars we gain from life is what makes life memorable.

When you grow older, you will fall in love and may even get your heart broken. Mommy will always be here to be your shoulder to cry on and to wipe away your tears.

Mommy might be very fierce some times but that's only because I want you to learn the right values in life and not have to go through what I have.

You will go through a rebellious stage one day and refuse to love me back but I will always be there. I will be your friend and listening ear when you need one.

Life can get tough sometimes but with you by my side, mommy will never give up. Life is a long journey. Mommy is still learning and we will hold onto each other as we go along.

Always remember that mommy loves you.

Love,
Mommy

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Thoughts

I was thinking whether I should start a new blog to separate my personal life and my views towards politics as you can see, a lot of what I blog is about me and my daughter's life.

After some contemplation, I have decided not to. I will continue blogging as I have been doing. This is in the hope that those who read my blog because of my personal life will get to read about some of the political stuff that I blog and feel strongly about.

I also feel that how I feel about the political scene is shaped by what I go through in life.

Take my divorce for example. It has made me aware of how many women are helpless when it comes to matters like that. Fortunately for myself, I am educated enough to know where to seek and how to seek help. What about the women who are less educated? Who do they go to?

There are many women out there who suffer their "fates" silently because they do not know who to turn to or because they dare not do it. Why? Fear of the unknown. Even I was reluctant to seek a divorce at first because I had gotten used to the routine with my husband. Just 2 years of marriage and I'm already like that, can you imagine those who are married for many years?

That is not our fates. We deserve to be treated humanely. Think about it, can the man accept it if we too had other men beside him? This is no longer a society where the men bring home the bread and we women stayed home to take care of the kids. We too, go out to work and we should be treated equally.

This episode has made me see that there are many others out there who need help and I have decided that I will volunteer myself with the SPP's woman's wing once I settle my problems.

If you are one of the many women who needs help or even just a listening ear, do not hesitate to contact me by email and I will try my best to help you.

In A Blur

Ever felt like everything in your life is in a blur?

I've felt this way for a long long time. Ever since I don't know how long ago, everything in my life seems to just whirl pass me.

Every single day is a routine. I wake up in the mornings, come back home, watch tv, climb into bed hugging my precious girl and repeat the same routine the next day.

Ask me what I did today and I can't really give you an answer because everyday feels the same. Ask me what I did last week and I can tell you I cannot recall.

I feel like I'm on Superwoman mode. Having to play mother to my girl, sister to my sister and daughter to my mom.

I feel so numbed to every single thing in my life. Its like I'm running on auto mode. I haven't really cried after finding out the truth about my husband. Because there is no point in crying.

Friends ask me if I'm alright and I always smile and say I'm doing ok. Because there is no way to feel any other way. Yes, I do feel like running away from it all but what's the good of running? I'll have to face it all one day.

Everyone has been telling me to be strong for my girl but what does it really mean to be strong? Is what I'm doing considered being strong?

For Old Time's Sake

I have deleted the videos of our wedding montage for good. Let the healing begin.

順其自然

我想也許我們這一份感情會出現裂痕我們兩個都有責任。  已經不想再想了， 真的累了。  是時候要學會式著讓生活變得清淡， 對幸福或寂寞順其自然。 大喜大悲的日子已不再適合我了。 一心只想好好的把彤彤帶大。 她的幸福將會是我最大的安慰。 要學會怎樣好好的愛自己， 不願再受傷害， 不要再笨下去了。

有時候一個人也能過得精彩

What Did I Get Myself Into?

It is at times like this, in the mornings while waiting for the train or in the evenings on the way back home that my thoughts start to run wild.

What did I get myself into when I decided to marry him? What was I thinking?

We were together at the lowest point of his life, when he was jobless and was unable to find a job because he was once a drug addict and had been to jail for 3 years. I stuck by him and even helped him pay off his $800 fine for having contraband cigarettes. I did not look down on him and encouraged him to keep trying. Eventually he managed to start a small stall in a dry market and did his own business. Life was tough but we were happy. I worked on weekdays and weekends were spent at his stall helping him man the stall. He did not make big bucks but it was enough for him to get by.

Our relationship started falling apart when his business got better. He was a proud man and always carried lots of money with him. All the profits from the stall in fact. He'd carry the money meant to pay the suppliers and would flaunt his money by taking them all out when making payment.

I'm sure its his way of flaunting his wealth that has made his popular with the girls working in the pubs. They thought he is one rich man when in truth, he can barely support his family. His friend also borrow money from him all the time and he lends it to them even though he hasn't got much coz it makes him look loaded.

Being well off really changes a person huh? Just a little bit of money and he thinks he is rich.

After I left him, he claims that business is getting worse, he is not making money and refuses to provide for our girl. It has been really difficult trying to get my money back from him. His mobile line is in my name and I pay for it every month. He promises to pay me back but its been tough trying to get him to pay. He always finds excuses to not pay me.

He even managed to squander the last 1k of our girl's baby bonus which I wanted to save for her future schooling use. He claims that he lent the money to his friend but who knows the truth? Did I mention that he is a compulsive liar? He lies about every single thing. To his friends, to his family and to me.

He did ask me to stay when I left but being a woman, I know when one is sincere or not. He just asks me to stay because that's what his parents want. The fact is he is not sincere at all! Imagine the whole 3 months that I left and yet he did not make the effort to meet me personally to talk to me. So sincere right? He did not want me to leave only because I am the one who gave him everything and when I leave, everything comes with me. My laptop, his mobile line which is in my name, his branded Coach sling bag that I bought for him and even his iPhone.

He says that I make myself look like the victim when he is the real victim. I do agree that he is a victim, a victime of his flirty ways and of his own pride.

Things between us is now so bad that he has resulted to insulting me, calling me fat and saying that I have fat rolls that puts men off. I am sick, tired and disgusted of this man that I once called my husband.

I got myself into this mess and only I can pull myself out of it. I am where I am today only because I am too soft hearted. I can only blame myself.

The Most Shameless Man of the Century!!

I am removing whatever I posted in this post previously, not because I am afraid of them and definitely not afraid of them going to the police.

Its because of a promise I made, to remove this post after he returns me my iphone. I am one to honor my word. No matter how others hurt me or lie to me, I keep my integrity intact.

Now I know Why...

I told my husband to give me the last $1k of Larissa's baby bonus before I let him recontract a line and he got very upset and scolded me for not trusting him. Now I know the reason why. He has finished the last $1k of Larissa's baby bonus.

I managed to find the website where we can check out when our baby's baby bonus is deposited into our account and how much did we deposit into her CDA account. You can check it out here if you are interested.

I realised that Larissa's baby bonus was deposited into his account in May this year. Guess what was his excuse? That he had lent a couple of hundreds of dollars to his friend and transferred the money using that particular account which Larissa's baby bonus is deposited into and that his friend might have not returned his money into his account as he thought so. So? Its not his fault. It's his friend's fault for not returning the money.

My question is, what kind of friend is that one will steadily lend $1k to? And knowing that he don't have much himself, how could he have easily lent his friend the money? And worse of all, how can one not know when one is transferring money that one does not have? Don't you find that it is all lies?

I intended to deposit all the $1k into Larissa's CDA account which the government will match the amount of deposit and save it for her childcare use. Imagine my horror to find out that the money is gone.

Put yourself in my shoes, do you think that I should continue with a man like that? Yes, I may pity him, I might even recontract his mobile line for him but to be with him? Its definitely a great big no! On a lighter note, I have a little something for all readers of my blog. Look out for my next post!

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One, two, three...ten!

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Angry!!

So effing angry!! That useless piece of crap has been pestering me for the past couple of days to recontract his mobile line and get him a new iPhone.

The problem is, the line is in my name and he hasn't been paying for it! He now owes me more than 300 bucks for his past bills! Though he has promised to pay by installments of $100 weekly, I have left him for almost 2 months and he has only paid me $100!

He complains that his current phone is spoilt and he need a new phone and he wants an iPhone so that he can use it for teetering and can log onto the internet at home.

So, I gave him a choice. I told him to wait for Larissa's baby's bonus. -which is credited into his account- to come into his account and he passes it to me before I get him the new phone. In the meantime, I will lend him a spare phone which he can use. His reply? I am not giving him a choice!

From my point of view, I don't see why he can't wait for the baby bonus to be credited into his account unless he has already received the money and has spent it all. Even if he needs a working iPhone to do the teetering, he can always get a second hand 3gs set right? Also, I am paying for all of Larissa'd expenses now and not asking a single cent from him, I have to think for my baby and myself! How much longer do I have to pay his bills for him??

He laments that I jolly well know that he owes all the telcos money and it's impossible for him to get a line of his own and that his job is earning very little. Yes, of courser I know that but I pity him then who is gonna pity me? I have a baby to feed! The expenses will only keep more and more! Sighs....

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Its Finally The End

He complained that I did not give him a chance.

In fact, I did. These time that I was away, I wanted to see what he would do. I know that is a man wants you back, he'd do everything within his means. A man who shows that he will change will wait for you by your block, wait for your forgiveness and wait for you to go home.

Him? He has shown me that he cannot give up gambling and drinking. He texts me to tell me he miss me while he is out drinking with his friends. He tells me he has got no money but he is out with his friends. He visits his daughter maybe once or twice a week when his parents bring her home. Seriously, you think this is the way a man shows that he has repented?

Is this the kind of man that a woman would want to stay married to? I don't think so. Come 27th July I will be going to legalaid to seek assistance for our divorce. It's about time to put an end to it.

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The Seventh Day

Today marks the seventh day that my grandma has been gone. We Chinese believes that the spirit of the dead will come back to visit their family for the last time before making their way to where they should go.

I just came back from the temple where her tablet is being placed. The monks there will recite prayers everyday for her for 49 days. I miss her terribly and how I wish that she is still with us.

Anyway, after the prayers, I made my way down to Toa Payoh Central to buy soya milk and soya bean curd, I think thats what its called in English. I remember she used to love it when I was young.

We believe that we should place some of their favourite foods on the table for them when they come back for their last visit. We also believe that they will come back in the form of an insect or animal so we are not allowed to kill any living creature on the seventh day.

Hopefully I will be able to see my grandma tonight and let her know that I really miss her. Sighs...I feel like a part of me had dies along with my grandma. She watched me grow up and took care of me when my mom was busy gambling. Because of this, my palate is somewhat similar to that of my grandma's. I remember her cooking green bean soup for me and making dumplings during the dumpling festival. I am the only one in the family who likes to eat the same food as my grandma.

Tonight, I shall wait up and hope that my grandma pays me a visit.

She's Gone

Barely 2 days after her discharge from the hospital my grandma passed away on Sunday. I was there by her side when she took her last breathe. I was told by my maid that her toenails were turning blue so I felt for her pulse. I called my mom up immediately when I couldn't feel her pulse. She was still breathing though. Minutes later, she took her last breathe....

This Hokkien song tells of how I feel towards my grandma and I cry everytime I listen to it.

Mama, I miss you. Can you please come back? It hurts so much to know that you are no longer with me. Today will be.the last day.and tomorrow you will be cremated. I don't want you to go. You must watch Larissa grow up. Why did you leave me so early??? Mama~~~

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