Inability to Move On..

It has been twelve days since the break up.

I managed to stop crying myself to sleep and crying when I get up. I have gotten used to the silence at home when he is not around. I have started dancing again. I have booked a dive trip to Philippines next month. 

I am trying hard to get him out of my system but I realised that I am doing all the things that he used to tell me to do. He has always told me to go do all the things I loved but I was happy to come home to him, so much that I stopped all my activities. 

I stopped drinking as much after the last time I got tipsy after an argument after our break up. I have been sticking to the two glasses max that I promised him when we were together. 

I still dream of him. I dream of him climbing into bed with me, holding me tight and telling me that everything will be alright and that kills me sometimes. Cause I know that he will never come back. 

A part of me wants to let him go, to get him out of my life, to get on with my life. Another part of me is still hopeful that he will come back and things will get better. It tears me into two at times. 

The paranoia in me is well managed now. I no longer need to know where is he or what is he doing. I have no right to know anyway. He lives his own life now. He is his own person and he is moving on just fine. 

I'm still living in memories, holding them close to my heart and rethinking what I could have done to make the relationship better. I guess I am someone who lives in memories. 

I know I shouldn't be holding on, I know I should let him go and that I should move on. It's really hard to do when one really loves with all one's heart and soul. 

There's a spot for him in my heart forever, that I know. I should stop clinging onto memories. Memories has no power. Memories are just memories. 

Perhaps I'm just unsettled by how fast he manages to move on. It's like there is a switch in him that just decided to switch off his love for me. No matter how hard I try, it means nothing to him anymore. 

In my head, in my heart

I'm not packed and moved on

Now you're here, now you're gone

Turn the lights off and on

And we're so scared to choose,

Will we win, will we lose?

'Cause love still lives here.

In your eye, in your face

It's like nothing has changed

And I want to believe that it isn't too late

On my skin when we touch

I can still feel the rush

'Cause love still lives here

Could we go just a little bit longer

I don't know if it's right or wrong but, 

Just for now, nothing is over

Can we try just a little bit harder?

We'll burn just a little bit brighte

Tell me now, nothing is over

Nothing is over

Turn the clock, let's go back 

Clear what was and we'll start from scratch

And you walk up t me, I'll be wearing that dress

And you ask me to stay, swear I won't run away

'Cause love begins here

Now can't you see, it's hiding there

Right underneath the mess we made

All we gotta do, is clear it all away

The Now Ex Boyfriend

My last blog post mentioned a partner. He is now my ex partner. Yes, we broke up.

I only have myself to thank for it. He has moved on and I'm holding on to the pain, Trying my best to move on but going round and round in circles. Crying myself to sleep and waking up only to remember that he is no longer with me and crying again. 

He was good to me but I let my previous relationship with my cheating ex husband get to me. I was paranoid about him texting other woman, to the extent that I kept checking him phone every day, I suffocated him. I was a bully who kept trying to teach him what to do, even when it came to his work. 

I was dismissive of his successes, I didn't know how to love him. I am a failure. I kept pushing him away when he kept trying. Unknowingly, he broke down my defenses. I came to love him in a way I never did before. 

We were cohabiting and he came home everyday to me but I demanded that he make a day for me even though his work was very demanding. I treated him badly. 

I didn't understand how his work is important to him and kept demanding. I didn't realise it all until I'd lose him. 

I realised it all too late. He told me he'd never leave me and I took that for granted. Now, it all comes back to haunt me. I keep thinking about how he told me to not give up easily, how he told me he'll never leave. 

I want to keep trying but he has given up. It felt like a stab in the heart when he told me he was done fighting for me. I know I should move on but I don't think it will be anytime soon. I even dream of him. Just last night, I dreamt of him textimg me, us having a nice conversation and getting back together only to wake up and burst into tears. 

I know he has always wanted the best for me and I want to turn this negativity into positivity. I know he has left a very deep mark on me. I want to be able to look back one day and say yes, he left his mark on me, a positive mark. 

I know this will take time, I know that it will hurt. I just didn't know it will hurt this bad. 

Looking back at 2013

The first month of 2014 is almost over and I am only just looking back at 2013. 

2013 was an okay year for me. I backpacked alone for the first time, dated a few guys but nothing good ever came out of it, ran my first 10km, started swimming regularly,  became the co-organizer of a social netball team and I learned how to appreciate food! Woohoo~!

I guess what really meant anything to me was travelling alone. Especially cause I fell so damn sick on the 3rd day, I was lying on the bed in the hostel, thinking that I'm gonna die in Vietnam. So silly right?

Oh well, I am certainly in love with travelling and I am trying to make sure I will make enough to go travelling.

In 2014, I'll be starting bridging courses to my part time diploma, taking up tennis lessons, swim more, run more, eat more, enjoy my life with Larissa, bring her to places she has never been and just do what I wanna do. I want to live the life that should have been and without regrets! I've been toying with the thought of going Macau to bungee jump for the longest time. I think I need to get it done this year!

How does one juggle a kid, work, sports and studies? I have no idea but I'm gonna do it because there's no one stopping me but myself! I'm gonna self declare that I'm 18 every year and have non-stop energy for everything.

Wait, I forgot dating. Yeah, I'm kinda sick of the dating part. Can I just see everyone but not date anyone? Hahah! I was told off by a friend yesterday though. She said I wanted the convenience of a relationship without the commitment. Oh come on, haven't I got enough commitments already?

Guard your hearts ladies, don't let anyone undeserving get it. (Sounds silly coming from me) HAHAHA!

I'm also gonna start learning to COOK. I've had enough of seeing friends post photos of the amazing looking food they cook so I am gonna start once my new home is done up. Not at my current place cause my mom is just gonna scream at me. 

One last thing, I want to learn how to put together my own computer. A desktop! Since I will be moving into my own place, only fair that I put together my own desktop right?

I feel like I'm only learning to live my life as I turn 30. Better late than NEVER!

How to Write A Love Song

I'm a woman and I am not afraid to admit that I am a sucker for love songs so this is a definitely must share. It had me in stitches. Its been around for a while but someone just shared it with me. So here, enjoy and have a good laugh. You're welcome! :)

Please Don't Say You Love Me

Met a friend for ramen last night and we went for wine after the dinner for a long overdue catch up session. Sadly, he is also going through a divorce.

I always thought that his ex wife was the luckiest woman in the world. This man is PERFECT GREAT! (Some comment that no one is perfect, okay lah, he's a great guy k?) He cooks the most amazing looking (I've yet to try his cooking) food, he loves to travel (major plus), plays hell lots of tennis so he is super sporty (major plus plus), loves to travel (major plus plus plus) and he loved her to bits! Imagine my initial shock when I found out she cheated.

Makes me wonder what is wrong with her. She has everything perfect but she says she doesn't know what she wants. Our lives are ever changing and to be married as a couple means accepting the partner and loving them as they change. Many people choose the easy way out and just turn away from what they don't see as something they like. 

Being typical people living in Singapore (she's not local) who don't travel much, I understand that he probably rocked her world with all the travelling and trust me, a well travelled man can be very charming to a lady. The thing is, this woman was looking for an escape and my friend turned out to be the perfect excuse to escape. She thought she loved him but she didn't. I can only guess that it was because he was different from the usual local guys and she thought he is what she wanted.

Women, learn to make up your mind before you say you love someone. Don't say the three words unless you mean it from the bottom of your heart. Don't go around breaking hearts. Don't mistaken love for what the men can give you. Travel the world on your own, take a look around and you'll gain wisdom. Love is never a one way thing so don't take the men for granted. Ask yourself what you can give to the man and what you want. Be sure before you take the next step.

Did I mention that I'm now a commitment phobe? I no longer say the three words and I flee at the mere mention of anything long term. Hahah!

By the way, I got my post title from this song that I love and just thought I'd share. It describes what I think about "love" right now. Don't rush to say you love someone okay? Love comes in many form. The only person who can love me now is my darling Larissa. She is the one who tells me she loves me in the morning, at night before she goes to bed and she's the only one I can say the three words to. :)

Learning to Share

Not too long ago, Larissa started playing with 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl lives a few doors away from us. They are close to Larissa's age but they are always playing at the corridor.

I think it was over the Teacher's Day holiday when Larissa was bored at home and had nothing to do so my mother let her out to play with them. According to my mom, she invited them to our house to play and the rest is history. Every now and then, Larissa will ask to be let outside to play with them.

The kids seem to be cared for and yet, there's something about them. The way that no one looks for them when they pop over to our place for long period of time and the fact that they are at Larissa's age but they still can't articulate well. Almost like there is no one there to guide or teach them.

Last night, I got home late after swimming and was told by my brother's girlfriend that Larissa gave one of her three lanterns to them after she learnt that they had none. It was really heart warming to know that my little girl, my baby is learning to share what she has with the less well off.

We are certainly not rich but we are blessed. Friends and family bought lanterns for Larissa for the Mid-Autumn festival celebrations and she shared her blessings with the other children. The other children tried to come back and return the lantern but we told them that its for them.

I am certainly very impressed with Larissa. Its like a big milestone. A big big achievement. I have always wanted Larissa to be compassionate and to have a big heart and it looks like its working.

My baby is growing up. :)

Larissa at 33 months

Larissa turned 33 month about 8 days ago. It certainly feels like it was only yesterday that I held that tiny little being in my hands and now she is jumping and running about. 

She is now speaking in sentences and saying things that made me wanna slap myself in the head. When she sees my brother's girlfriend wearing her heels, she's say, "you can walk meh?"

She'd also start questioning me, asking me where did I go or what did I do. She has also started imitating her teacher, giving me instructions on where to sit or what to do. Such a control freak. Sighs...its so satisfying being a mother and watching her grow up.

A Letter to My Girl

My darling girl,

You are still learning how to speak and cannot tell mommy your feelings. I can only try my best to understand you and make guesses at what you are trying to say.

Mommy is sorry that I have to leave daddy and bring you along with me. You are still too young to understand but mommy will explain it to you when you grow up one day. Daddy still loves you as much as ever. He just won't have the time to visit you as much cause he will be starting his new family soon.

No matter what happens, mommy will always be here for you. You will be mommy's pride and all I want is the best for you. No matter how tough life gets going, or what obstacles are thrown at me, I will try my best to bring you up as well as I can.

I hope that you can grow up to be humble, selfless and fearless like mommy's idol Mr. Chiam. Do not fear my dear for I am here. We may fall in life but what's important is that we learn how to get up from where we fall. Remember that the scars we gain from life is what makes life memorable.

When you grow older, you will fall in love and may even get your heart broken. Mommy will always be here to be your shoulder to cry on and to wipe away your tears.

Mommy might be very fierce some times but that's only because I want you to learn the right values in life and not have to go through what I have.

You will go through a rebellious stage one day and refuse to love me back but I will always be there. I will be your friend and listening ear when you need one.

Life can get tough sometimes but with you by my side, mommy will never give up. Life is a long journey. Mommy is still learning and we will hold onto each other as we go along.

Always remember that mommy loves you.

Love,
Mommy

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