Inability to Move On..

It has been twelve days since the break up.

I managed to stop crying myself to sleep and crying when I get up. I have gotten used to the silence at home when he is not around. I have started dancing again. I have booked a dive trip to Philippines next month. 

I am trying hard to get him out of my system but I realised that I am doing all the things that he used to tell me to do. He has always told me to go do all the things I loved but I was happy to come home to him, so much that I stopped all my activities. 

I stopped drinking as much after the last time I got tipsy after an argument after our break up. I have been sticking to the two glasses max that I promised him when we were together. 

I still dream of him. I dream of him climbing into bed with me, holding me tight and telling me that everything will be alright and that kills me sometimes. Cause I know that he will never come back. 

A part of me wants to let him go, to get him out of my life, to get on with my life. Another part of me is still hopeful that he will come back and things will get better. It tears me into two at times. 

The paranoia in me is well managed now. I no longer need to know where is he or what is he doing. I have no right to know anyway. He lives his own life now. He is his own person and he is moving on just fine. 

I'm still living in memories, holding them close to my heart and rethinking what I could have done to make the relationship better. I guess I am someone who lives in memories. 

I know I shouldn't be holding on, I know I should let him go and that I should move on. It's really hard to do when one really loves with all one's heart and soul. 

There's a spot for him in my heart forever, that I know. I should stop clinging onto memories. Memories has no power. Memories are just memories. 

Perhaps I'm just unsettled by how fast he manages to move on. It's like there is a switch in him that just decided to switch off his love for me. No matter how hard I try, it means nothing to him anymore. 

In my head, in my heart

I'm not packed and moved on

Now you're here, now you're gone

Turn the lights off and on

And we're so scared to choose,

Will we win, will we lose?

'Cause love still lives here.

In your eye, in your face

It's like nothing has changed

And I want to believe that it isn't too late

On my skin when we touch

I can still feel the rush

'Cause love still lives here

Could we go just a little bit longer

I don't know if it's right or wrong but, 

Just for now, nothing is over

Can we try just a little bit harder?

We'll burn just a little bit brighte

Tell me now, nothing is over

Nothing is over

Turn the clock, let's go back 

Clear what was and we'll start from scratch

And you walk up t me, I'll be wearing that dress

And you ask me to stay, swear I won't run away

'Cause love begins here

Now can't you see, it's hiding there

Right underneath the mess we made

All we gotta do, is clear it all away

Thoughts on the Past

I know I said that I'm moving on to a new blog but I was looking through at some of the comments readers have left for me over the years and it made me think...a lot. I really don't think I should post this on my new blog so here I go again.

Many readers have shared that they were going through the same problems in their marriage and were thinking about divorce. Well, no two stories are the same. What I did (moving out and getting a divorce) may not be something that everyone will do.

My stance is this, if a man cheats on you the first time, he will cheat on you again. At least mine did. Life hasn't been a bed of roses after I left him. To a certain extent, I feel that I'm still quite a conservative person. If I were to date again and the man is never married, I feel that there will be some stigma about divorcees, especially from his parents and relatives. Yes, I have dated since its almost been four years since the separation but I have never gone to the meet the parents stage. I just...don't feel comfortable about it so none of my relationships lasted.

A single parent means being the only one to attend to all your child's needs so your childcare leave will never be sufficient. All the meet the parents sessions and whats not. You have to be prepared to sacrifice. To be honest, once you are a single parent, you give up most of your social life.

I've never allowed L to get too close to the people I dated for fear of her growing attached and ending up feeling lost when the relationship goes south. I don't allow myself to fall because I have other responsibilities.

If you are reading this and are in a bad relationship or your partner cheated, think twice before you decide to get a divorce. It can be a very tough decision to make when kids are involved. Are you financially independent? Can you be financially independent? How would it affect the kids?

Go for marriage counselling. Find out what went wrong in your relationship. I believe that it takes two hands to clap. A marriage falling apart can also be because you have changed. You may not realise it but it happens. Once a woman has kids, her priority changes as well. Is your partner able to adjust too? Could it be that you neglected him because of your kids?

Now, I am not trying to be patronising here but seriously, think it through.If you decide to leave him or her, good on you. The next thing you need to learn, is to forgive. I have seen people who went through very bitter divorces and end up fighting everyday even after the divorce. As a woman, be prepared to not receive child support or maintenance. Unless you want to spend your days bitter and fighting in court.

Yes, the man has responsibilities for the kid too but if he wouldn't have cheated in the first place if responsibility is something that he even considered. He wasn't responsible to you, he will not be responsible for the kid(s).

The bitterness will eat you from inside out and cause you to go through a lot of unnecessary pain. It will be twice as tough if you can't let it go...

So yeah, these are my thoughts and I really hope my readers don't have to go through all the pain. Email me if you need someone to talk to. I can't give much advice, but I will try my best to be your listening ear.

Please Don't Say You Love Me

Met a friend for ramen last night and we went for wine after the dinner for a long overdue catch up session. Sadly, he is also going through a divorce.

I always thought that his ex wife was the luckiest woman in the world. This man is PERFECT GREAT! (Some comment that no one is perfect, okay lah, he's a great guy k?) He cooks the most amazing looking (I've yet to try his cooking) food, he loves to travel (major plus), plays hell lots of tennis so he is super sporty (major plus plus), loves to travel (major plus plus plus) and he loved her to bits! Imagine my initial shock when I found out she cheated.

Makes me wonder what is wrong with her. She has everything perfect but she says she doesn't know what she wants. Our lives are ever changing and to be married as a couple means accepting the partner and loving them as they change. Many people choose the easy way out and just turn away from what they don't see as something they like. 

Being typical people living in Singapore (she's not local) who don't travel much, I understand that he probably rocked her world with all the travelling and trust me, a well travelled man can be very charming to a lady. The thing is, this woman was looking for an escape and my friend turned out to be the perfect excuse to escape. She thought she loved him but she didn't. I can only guess that it was because he was different from the usual local guys and she thought he is what she wanted.

Women, learn to make up your mind before you say you love someone. Don't say the three words unless you mean it from the bottom of your heart. Don't go around breaking hearts. Don't mistaken love for what the men can give you. Travel the world on your own, take a look around and you'll gain wisdom. Love is never a one way thing so don't take the men for granted. Ask yourself what you can give to the man and what you want. Be sure before you take the next step.

Did I mention that I'm now a commitment phobe? I no longer say the three words and I flee at the mere mention of anything long term. Hahah!

By the way, I got my post title from this song that I love and just thought I'd share. It describes what I think about "love" right now. Don't rush to say you love someone okay? Love comes in many form. The only person who can love me now is my darling Larissa. She is the one who tells me she loves me in the morning, at night before she goes to bed and she's the only one I can say the three words to. :)