Thoughts on the Past

I know I said that I'm moving on to a new blog but I was looking through at some of the comments readers have left for me over the years and it made me think...a lot. I really don't think I should post this on my new blog so here I go again.

Many readers have shared that they were going through the same problems in their marriage and were thinking about divorce. Well, no two stories are the same. What I did (moving out and getting a divorce) may not be something that everyone will do.

My stance is this, if a man cheats on you the first time, he will cheat on you again. At least mine did. Life hasn't been a bed of roses after I left him. To a certain extent, I feel that I'm still quite a conservative person. If I were to date again and the man is never married, I feel that there will be some stigma about divorcees, especially from his parents and relatives. Yes, I have dated since its almost been four years since the separation but I have never gone to the meet the parents stage. I just...don't feel comfortable about it so none of my relationships lasted.

A single parent means being the only one to attend to all your child's needs so your childcare leave will never be sufficient. All the meet the parents sessions and whats not. You have to be prepared to sacrifice. To be honest, once you are a single parent, you give up most of your social life.

I've never allowed L to get too close to the people I dated for fear of her growing attached and ending up feeling lost when the relationship goes south. I don't allow myself to fall because I have other responsibilities.

If you are reading this and are in a bad relationship or your partner cheated, think twice before you decide to get a divorce. It can be a very tough decision to make when kids are involved. Are you financially independent? Can you be financially independent? How would it affect the kids?

Go for marriage counselling. Find out what went wrong in your relationship. I believe that it takes two hands to clap. A marriage falling apart can also be because you have changed. You may not realise it but it happens. Once a woman has kids, her priority changes as well. Is your partner able to adjust too? Could it be that you neglected him because of your kids?

Now, I am not trying to be patronising here but seriously, think it through.If you decide to leave him or her, good on you. The next thing you need to learn, is to forgive. I have seen people who went through very bitter divorces and end up fighting everyday even after the divorce. As a woman, be prepared to not receive child support or maintenance. Unless you want to spend your days bitter and fighting in court.

Yes, the man has responsibilities for the kid too but if he wouldn't have cheated in the first place if responsibility is something that he even considered. He wasn't responsible to you, he will not be responsible for the kid(s).

The bitterness will eat you from inside out and cause you to go through a lot of unnecessary pain. It will be twice as tough if you can't let it go...

So yeah, these are my thoughts and I really hope my readers don't have to go through all the pain. Email me if you need someone to talk to. I can't give much advice, but I will try my best to be your listening ear.

Please Don't Say You Love Me

Met a friend for ramen last night and we went for wine after the dinner for a long overdue catch up session. Sadly, he is also going through a divorce.

I always thought that his ex wife was the luckiest woman in the world. This man is PERFECT GREAT! (Some comment that no one is perfect, okay lah, he's a great guy k?) He cooks the most amazing looking (I've yet to try his cooking) food, he loves to travel (major plus), plays hell lots of tennis so he is super sporty (major plus plus), loves to travel (major plus plus plus) and he loved her to bits! Imagine my initial shock when I found out she cheated.

Makes me wonder what is wrong with her. She has everything perfect but she says she doesn't know what she wants. Our lives are ever changing and to be married as a couple means accepting the partner and loving them as they change. Many people choose the easy way out and just turn away from what they don't see as something they like. 

Being typical people living in Singapore (she's not local) who don't travel much, I understand that he probably rocked her world with all the travelling and trust me, a well travelled man can be very charming to a lady. The thing is, this woman was looking for an escape and my friend turned out to be the perfect excuse to escape. She thought she loved him but she didn't. I can only guess that it was because he was different from the usual local guys and she thought he is what she wanted.

Women, learn to make up your mind before you say you love someone. Don't say the three words unless you mean it from the bottom of your heart. Don't go around breaking hearts. Don't mistaken love for what the men can give you. Travel the world on your own, take a look around and you'll gain wisdom. Love is never a one way thing so don't take the men for granted. Ask yourself what you can give to the man and what you want. Be sure before you take the next step.

Did I mention that I'm now a commitment phobe? I no longer say the three words and I flee at the mere mention of anything long term. Hahah!

By the way, I got my post title from this song that I love and just thought I'd share. It describes what I think about "love" right now. Don't rush to say you love someone okay? Love comes in many form. The only person who can love me now is my darling Larissa. She is the one who tells me she loves me in the morning, at night before she goes to bed and she's the only one I can say the three words to. :)