Inability to Move On..

It has been twelve days since the break up.

I managed to stop crying myself to sleep and crying when I get up. I have gotten used to the silence at home when he is not around. I have started dancing again. I have booked a dive trip to Philippines next month. 

I am trying hard to get him out of my system but I realised that I am doing all the things that he used to tell me to do. He has always told me to go do all the things I loved but I was happy to come home to him, so much that I stopped all my activities. 

I stopped drinking as much after the last time I got tipsy after an argument after our break up. I have been sticking to the two glasses max that I promised him when we were together. 

I still dream of him. I dream of him climbing into bed with me, holding me tight and telling me that everything will be alright and that kills me sometimes. Cause I know that he will never come back. 

A part of me wants to let him go, to get him out of my life, to get on with my life. Another part of me is still hopeful that he will come back and things will get better. It tears me into two at times. 

The paranoia in me is well managed now. I no longer need to know where is he or what is he doing. I have no right to know anyway. He lives his own life now. He is his own person and he is moving on just fine. 

I'm still living in memories, holding them close to my heart and rethinking what I could have done to make the relationship better. I guess I am someone who lives in memories. 

I know I shouldn't be holding on, I know I should let him go and that I should move on. It's really hard to do when one really loves with all one's heart and soul. 

There's a spot for him in my heart forever, that I know. I should stop clinging onto memories. Memories has no power. Memories are just memories. 

Perhaps I'm just unsettled by how fast he manages to move on. It's like there is a switch in him that just decided to switch off his love for me. No matter how hard I try, it means nothing to him anymore. 

In my head, in my heart

I'm not packed and moved on

Now you're here, now you're gone

Turn the lights off and on

And we're so scared to choose,

Will we win, will we lose?

'Cause love still lives here.

In your eye, in your face

It's like nothing has changed

And I want to believe that it isn't too late

On my skin when we touch

I can still feel the rush

'Cause love still lives here

Could we go just a little bit longer

I don't know if it's right or wrong but, 

Just for now, nothing is over

Can we try just a little bit harder?

We'll burn just a little bit brighte

Tell me now, nothing is over

Nothing is over

Turn the clock, let's go back 

Clear what was and we'll start from scratch

And you walk up t me, I'll be wearing that dress

And you ask me to stay, swear I won't run away

'Cause love begins here

Now can't you see, it's hiding there

Right underneath the mess we made

All we gotta do, is clear it all away