In A Blur

Ever felt like everything in your life is in a blur?

I've felt this way for a long long time. Ever since I don't know how long ago, everything in my life seems to just whirl pass me.

Every single day is a routine. I wake up in the mornings, come back home, watch tv, climb into bed hugging my precious girl and repeat the same routine the next day.

Ask me what I did today and I can't really give you an answer because everyday feels the same. Ask me what I did last week and I can tell you I cannot recall.

I feel like I'm on Superwoman mode. Having to play mother to my girl, sister to my sister and daughter to my mom.

I feel so numbed to every single thing in my life. Its like I'm running on auto mode. I haven't really cried after finding out the truth about my husband. Because there is no point in crying.

Friends ask me if I'm alright and I always smile and say I'm doing ok. Because there is no way to feel any other way. Yes, I do feel like running away from it all but what's the good of running? I'll have to face it all one day.

Everyone has been telling me to be strong for my girl but what does it really mean to be strong? Is what I'm doing considered being strong?

For Old Time's Sake

I have deleted the videos of our wedding montage for good. Let the healing begin.

順其自然

我想也許我們這一份感情會出現裂痕我們兩個都有責任。  已經不想再想了， 真的累了。  是時候要學會式著讓生活變得清淡， 對幸福或寂寞順其自然。 大喜大悲的日子已不再適合我了。 一心只想好好的把彤彤帶大。 她的幸福將會是我最大的安慰。 要學會怎樣好好的愛自己， 不願再受傷害， 不要再笨下去了。

有時候一個人也能過得精彩

What Did I Get Myself Into?

It is at times like this, in the mornings while waiting for the train or in the evenings on the way back home that my thoughts start to run wild.

What did I get myself into when I decided to marry him? What was I thinking?

We were together at the lowest point of his life, when he was jobless and was unable to find a job because he was once a drug addict and had been to jail for 3 years. I stuck by him and even helped him pay off his $800 fine for having contraband cigarettes. I did not look down on him and encouraged him to keep trying. Eventually he managed to start a small stall in a dry market and did his own business. Life was tough but we were happy. I worked on weekdays and weekends were spent at his stall helping him man the stall. He did not make big bucks but it was enough for him to get by.

Our relationship started falling apart when his business got better. He was a proud man and always carried lots of money with him. All the profits from the stall in fact. He'd carry the money meant to pay the suppliers and would flaunt his money by taking them all out when making payment.

I'm sure its his way of flaunting his wealth that has made his popular with the girls working in the pubs. They thought he is one rich man when in truth, he can barely support his family. His friend also borrow money from him all the time and he lends it to them even though he hasn't got much coz it makes him look loaded.

Being well off really changes a person huh? Just a little bit of money and he thinks he is rich.

After I left him, he claims that business is getting worse, he is not making money and refuses to provide for our girl. It has been really difficult trying to get my money back from him. His mobile line is in my name and I pay for it every month. He promises to pay me back but its been tough trying to get him to pay. He always finds excuses to not pay me.

He even managed to squander the last 1k of our girl's baby bonus which I wanted to save for her future schooling use. He claims that he lent the money to his friend but who knows the truth? Did I mention that he is a compulsive liar? He lies about every single thing. To his friends, to his family and to me.

He did ask me to stay when I left but being a woman, I know when one is sincere or not. He just asks me to stay because that's what his parents want. The fact is he is not sincere at all! Imagine the whole 3 months that I left and yet he did not make the effort to meet me personally to talk to me. So sincere right? He did not want me to leave only because I am the one who gave him everything and when I leave, everything comes with me. My laptop, his mobile line which is in my name, his branded Coach sling bag that I bought for him and even his iPhone.

He says that I make myself look like the victim when he is the real victim. I do agree that he is a victim, a victime of his flirty ways and of his own pride.

Things between us is now so bad that he has resulted to insulting me, calling me fat and saying that I have fat rolls that puts men off. I am sick, tired and disgusted of this man that I once called my husband.

I got myself into this mess and only I can pull myself out of it. I am where I am today only because I am too soft hearted. I can only blame myself.

The Most Shameless Man of the Century!!

I am removing whatever I posted in this post previously, not because I am afraid of them and definitely not afraid of them going to the police.

Its because of a promise I made, to remove this post after he returns me my iphone. I am one to honor my word. No matter how others hurt me or lie to me, I keep my integrity intact.

Now I know Why...

I told my husband to give me the last $1k of Larissa's baby bonus before I let him recontract a line and he got very upset and scolded me for not trusting him. Now I know the reason why. He has finished the last $1k of Larissa's baby bonus.

I managed to find the website where we can check out when our baby's baby bonus is deposited into our account and how much did we deposit into her CDA account. You can check it out here if you are interested.

I realised that Larissa's baby bonus was deposited into his account in May this year. Guess what was his excuse? That he had lent a couple of hundreds of dollars to his friend and transferred the money using that particular account which Larissa's baby bonus is deposited into and that his friend might have not returned his money into his account as he thought so. So? Its not his fault. It's his friend's fault for not returning the money.

My question is, what kind of friend is that one will steadily lend $1k to? And knowing that he don't have much himself, how could he have easily lent his friend the money? And worse of all, how can one not know when one is transferring money that one does not have? Don't you find that it is all lies?

I intended to deposit all the $1k into Larissa's CDA account which the government will match the amount of deposit and save it for her childcare use. Imagine my horror to find out that the money is gone.

Put yourself in my shoes, do you think that I should continue with a man like that? Yes, I may pity him, I might even recontract his mobile line for him but to be with him? Its definitely a great big no! On a lighter note, I have a little something for all readers of my blog. Look out for my next post!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.3

One, two, three...ten!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.3

Angry!!

So effing angry!! That useless piece of crap has been pestering me for the past couple of days to recontract his mobile line and get him a new iPhone.

The problem is, the line is in my name and he hasn't been paying for it! He now owes me more than 300 bucks for his past bills! Though he has promised to pay by installments of $100 weekly, I have left him for almost 2 months and he has only paid me $100!

He complains that his current phone is spoilt and he need a new phone and he wants an iPhone so that he can use it for teetering and can log onto the internet at home.

So, I gave him a choice. I told him to wait for Larissa's baby's bonus. -which is credited into his account- to come into his account and he passes it to me before I get him the new phone. In the meantime, I will lend him a spare phone which he can use. His reply? I am not giving him a choice!

From my point of view, I don't see why he can't wait for the baby bonus to be credited into his account unless he has already received the money and has spent it all. Even if he needs a working iPhone to do the teetering, he can always get a second hand 3gs set right? Also, I am paying for all of Larissa'd expenses now and not asking a single cent from him, I have to think for my baby and myself! How much longer do I have to pay his bills for him??

He laments that I jolly well know that he owes all the telcos money and it's impossible for him to get a line of his own and that his job is earning very little. Yes, of courser I know that but I pity him then who is gonna pity me? I have a baby to feed! The expenses will only keep more and more! Sighs....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Its Finally The End

He complained that I did not give him a chance.

In fact, I did. These time that I was away, I wanted to see what he would do. I know that is a man wants you back, he'd do everything within his means. A man who shows that he will change will wait for you by your block, wait for your forgiveness and wait for you to go home.

Him? He has shown me that he cannot give up gambling and drinking. He texts me to tell me he miss me while he is out drinking with his friends. He tells me he has got no money but he is out with his friends. He visits his daughter maybe once or twice a week when his parents bring her home. Seriously, you think this is the way a man shows that he has repented?

Is this the kind of man that a woman would want to stay married to? I don't think so. Come 27th July I will be going to legalaid to seek assistance for our divorce. It's about time to put an end to it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

The Seventh Day

Today marks the seventh day that my grandma has been gone. We Chinese believes that the spirit of the dead will come back to visit their family for the last time before making their way to where they should go.

I just came back from the temple where her tablet is being placed. The monks there will recite prayers everyday for her for 49 days. I miss her terribly and how I wish that she is still with us.

Anyway, after the prayers, I made my way down to Toa Payoh Central to buy soya milk and soya bean curd, I think thats what its called in English. I remember she used to love it when I was young.

We believe that we should place some of their favourite foods on the table for them when they come back for their last visit. We also believe that they will come back in the form of an insect or animal so we are not allowed to kill any living creature on the seventh day.

Hopefully I will be able to see my grandma tonight and let her know that I really miss her. Sighs...I feel like a part of me had dies along with my grandma. She watched me grow up and took care of me when my mom was busy gambling. Because of this, my palate is somewhat similar to that of my grandma's. I remember her cooking green bean soup for me and making dumplings during the dumpling festival. I am the only one in the family who likes to eat the same food as my grandma.

Tonight, I shall wait up and hope that my grandma pays me a visit.

She's Gone

Barely 2 days after her discharge from the hospital my grandma passed away on Sunday. I was there by her side when she took her last breathe. I was told by my maid that her toenails were turning blue so I felt for her pulse. I called my mom up immediately when I couldn't feel her pulse. She was still breathing though. Minutes later, she took her last breathe....

This Hokkien song tells of how I feel towards my grandma and I cry everytime I listen to it.

Mama, I miss you. Can you please come back? It hurts so much to know that you are no longer with me. Today will be.the last day.and tomorrow you will be cremated. I don't want you to go. You must watch Larissa grow up. Why did you leave me so early??? Mama~~~

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Everyone Will Move On

After moving home for some time, I learnt that I should not worry for him.

He will learn one day, how to get on with his life. I can already see him moving on with his life, making new friends and taking on new hobbies.

I am also moving forward. Making new friends and focusing on my work.

Isn't it amazing how people can heal so quickly?

No matter what happens, the earth never stops spinning and time never pauses. Whatever it is, we should get on with our lives.

Never allow anyone to stop you in your live. Never live your life with any regrets.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Soulmate

At the stage where I'm at, I don't believe that I will ever find my soulmate.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

My Grandma

My grandma first got admitted into hospital about a month ago after she was vomitting and had diarrhea for 4 days. We thought it was a case of gastroenteritis. She was discharged a week later only to be admitted again two weeks later. This time she complained of constipation and a constant nausea.

A day after she was admitted we were told that there is a large amount of water in her chest cavity and her lungs and they had to drain the fluid. I was told that they managed to drain out 1500 MLS of water. I thought that was all, that she will be well after that and be back to the senile little old lady that she had become after she had dementia.

Yesterday, I was told that cancerous cells has been found in the fluid that was drained from her chest cavity. After all the scans and tests, we were told that its the last stage of cervical cancer and that it has spread tbroughout her body.

We are now giving her palliative care and she is expected to leave anytime. I'm comforted that she has lived to be in her eighties and has lived to see her great grandchild. Now I can only pray that we will get the chance to sat our last goodbyes.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

I Finally Did It

I have moved back to my mom's place. I have finally decides that its enough.

I finally came to realise that he can never change. No matter how harsh or how sweet I am to him, it doesn't matter because he will never change. I have finally snapped. My friend advised that he could be like that because of a psychological problem. How can any one person not feeling any guilt after being caught? Anyway that's all in the past. I'm gonna pick up and move on.

I'm now looking for a childcare for Larissa near my mom's place. After I settle her, I will go to legal aid to settle our divorce.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

One Last Thank You

On the 8th of May, I came down to Potong Pasir to take meet people from Singapore People's Party's Facebook group to walk around the area and take some photographs before the town changes for good.

Soon after, I went to Blk 121 where the Town Council was where we waited for Mr. and Mrs. Chiam.

I really don't know what to type anymore.The sadness is overwhelming. Let the pictures do the talking.

 

I know that it is highly possible that the petition for a by-election will not go through. Just let them try, no harm giving it a try. At least they tried. 

The End of An Era?

I was there at Block 136 Potong Pasir Ave 1 on Saturday night itself when the results were being announced. Although I felt unwell, I felt that I had to go. This is the town of my hero, I want to be there to celebrate his or rather, his wife's win. I already knew that he had lost Bishan-Toa Payoh to Wong Kan Seng, I wanted to be there to show support.

I reached there at about 2.15am, after I have fed my girl and made sure that she will not be up until I'm back. As I was walking towards the coffeeshop, I can see people gathering and the results are being announced. Sadly, Mrs Chiam had lost Potong Pasir to Seetoh by a slight margin of 0.7% which is about 110 votes! The crowd started jeering at Seetoh and then they cheered for Mr Chiam. All you can hear is, "Potong Pasir, Chiam See Tong!"

We waited for the Singapore People's Party to make their way back to Potong Pasir. As they arrived, people crowded around their lorry and cheered for them. Shouts of, "Kelong" can be heard as they do not accept the fact. A man who has done his all for Potong Pasir for 27 years, one cannot believe he would be let down like that.

Mr. Chiam sat in the front passenger seat of the lorry quietly with his daughter while Mrs. Chiam addressed the media and the crowd. I walked to the front and his window was winded down, giving me a chance to shake his hand and I told him my whole family voted for him and we loved him. I couldn't help but start tearing at the moment. He was so quiet, you can feel how heartbroken he was. Even as I'm typing this, tears come to my eyes when I think of what I saw that night. 

Look at the crowd!

The atmosphere was electrifying! Everyone was shouting for Chiam See Tong and Lina Chiam. None of us can believe that they had lost their stronghold of Potong Pasir. After 27 years, is this how they repaid Mr. Chiam for his effort? Sighs. I have friends who live in Potong Pasir and she asked me why should she vote for Potong Pasir when the place is so run down and that there is no facilities. I guess the carrot dangled to Potong Pasir has finally worked. However, I proceeded to explain to her what Mr. Chiam has done for Potong Pasir and the obstacles that he met. Another apathetic youth who only cares for upgrading. Sighs. 

A Potong Pasir resident, Vas, decided that she is not going to take this without a fight and decided to ask the residents to gather at Blk 108 Potong Pasir on 8th May, 4pm to sign a petition so as to get a by election, a re-vote and so I decided that I will go down on the 8th to support the petition.

I stayed until Mrs.Chiam left at about 4am before making my way home with tears in my eyes. 

Democracy by Langston Huges

Democracy will not come
Today, this year
Nor ever
Through compromise and fear.

I have as much right 
As the other fellow has
To stand
On my two feet 
And own the land.

I tire so of hearing people say, 
Let things take their course.
Tomorrow is another day.
I do not need my freedom when I'm dead.
I cannot live on tomorrow's bread.

Freedom
Is a strong seed
Planted
In a great need.

I live here, too.
I want freedom
Just as you. 

I am a Polling Agent!

Yesterday, I went down to Blk 108 Potong Pasir where we, volunteers for Singapore People's Party, were gathered for a briefing and registration to become Polling Agents for the upcoming General Elections.


This is the void deck where Mr. Chiam See Tong conducts his Meet-The-People sessions. This is my first time stepping into Potong Pasir. Is Potong Pasir a slum? Definitely not!

I also saw for myself, the infamous place where Mr. Chiam held his weekly Meet-the-People sessions

It makes one wonder why is he treated with such prejudice. Especially in a country like Singapore. Isn't our government supposed to be uncorrupted? Then why is he denied the fundings and the chance to build a proper office? They say a picture paints a thousand words, I am no professional photographer but can you feel the pain I feel?

This is where the residents wait for their turn to meet Mr. Chiam

“I make no apologies that the PAP is the Government and the Government is the PAP.”
- Lee Kuan Yew, Petir, 1982




I don't know about you but the above statement makes me feel that they are a big bully, that they are very certain that they are above all. Is this really what democracy is about? Sighs.


Lets end this post on a lighter note.


Singapore People's Party is still on the lookout for more Polling Agents and Counting Agents to join them. Do spread the word to your friends, better still volunteer yourself! There will be 2 shifts, either 8am to 2pm or 2pm to 8pm at a polling both (you can choose which one) on May 7 itself. Please email Chee Peng  with the following details:-


Name (as in NRIC)
NRIC No
Date of issue of NRIC
Mobile Number
E-mail address
Residential Address (to aid assignment of polling agents)


I do hope that this General Election will be the turning point for Singapore. Majulah Singapura!

My Hero - Mr. Chiam See Tong

As the General Election 2011 is just around the corner, I would like to dedicate a post to Mr. Chiam See Tong, Secretary-General to the Singapore People's Party. IMO, he is the unsung hero of Singapore.

1976 – contested unsuccessfully as Independent Candidate at Cairnhill Constituency against Mr. Lim Kim San Minster for National Development and Communications.

1979 – Took part in by-election also as independent candidate at Potong Pasir. Lost to Mr. How Yoong Chong, Minster for Defence designate.

September 1980 – Together with friends formed the Singapore Democratic Party.

December 1980 – Contested unsuccessfully at Potong Pasir. Again lost to Mr. How Yoong Chong, Minister for Defence. Obtained 40% votes.

December 1984 – Contested at Potong Pasir as a SDP Candidate at Potong Pasir. Won with 60% majority vote.

September 1988 – Returned again at Potong Pasir Constituency with 63%. 31.08.1991 – Elected third time to Parliament, Potong Pasir constituency with 69.3% votes casted.

17th of December 1996 – Elected Secretary-General of Singapore People’s Party (SPP).

2nd of January 1997 – Elected fourth time to Parliament, Constituency of Potong Pasir as a Singapore People’s Party (SPP) candidate with 54.3% votes polled

2001 – Elected fifth time to Parliament, Constituency of Potong Pasir as a Singapore People’s Party (SPP) candidate with 54.3% votes polled.

2006 – Elected six time to Parliament, Constituency of Potong Pasir as a Singapore People’s Party (SPP) candidate with 54.3% votes polled.

For 27 years, he has slogged hard to conduct his Meet-the-People session at void decks. He is denied of funds to build a proper place but we can see his determination and dedication from the aluminum sheets used to build his make shift office. Why would a man want to become a MP even though he understands that he has to go through so much, even being denied of funds to do every simple thing? Do you live in a PAP constituency? Have you ever seen the MPs from PAP conduct their Meet-the-People session? Its is done is a air-conditioned office. What a stark difference!

This is Mr. Chiam's office for the past 27 years

This man has been bullied for 27years how much longer are we going to let him get bullied and pushed aside by the people hamming the government of Singapore? This man here is fighting so hard for democracy. 

Have you watch Mr. Chiam See Tong in Parliament?

This was Mr. Chiam asking for Potong Pasir to be included in the upgrading program. Why was Potong Pasir not included in the HIP even when Mr. Chiam agreed that they are in agreement of the program? People of Potong Pasir, Mr. Chiam fought for you but did the Government listen?

Here is Mr. Chiam asking for curbing of the influx of foreigners by a skills shortage list and to cut down on GST. Singapore Government, are you listening or did you fall asleep listening to Mr. Chiam? He is physically weak but he is fighting for us. Singapore can you hear him?

If you are wondering why is his speech slurred, Mr. Chiam has suffered 2 strokes, the last one in 2008. It touches me to tears that a man who has suffered 2 strokes is fighting hard for democracy in Singapore. Is he fighting for fame or money? No, he is fighting because he loves Singapore! Most people at his age would have been retired and should be enjoying life but not Mr. Chiam, not until the day there is true democracy!

This is a letter sent to someone who just moved to Potong Pasir. Which PAP MP do you know does this?

This General Election, Mr. Chiam will be walking out of Potong Pasir, to contest in the Bishan-TPY GRC. He is walking out of his comfort zone and leaving Potong Pasir to his wife, Mrs. Lina Chiam. This is a very big risk for him. He might lose Potong Pasir and Bishan-TPY, and lose his seat as the only one of two Opposition in the Parliament or he could win Bishan-TPY GRC and bring in 4 other Opposition MPs into the Parliament to make the government sit up and listen to what we have to say. 

I have lived in Bishan-TPY all my life and I have NEVER met Mr. Wong Kan Seng, the current MP in charge of my constituency. Its very clear who my vote goes to. Do you live in Bishan-TPY? Who are you voting for?

Lastly, a quote from my hero, 

"When there is life there is hope, when there is hope, there will be change."