Inability to Move On..

It has been twelve days since the break up.

I managed to stop crying myself to sleep and crying when I get up. I have gotten used to the silence at home when he is not around. I have started dancing again. I have booked a dive trip to Philippines next month. 

I am trying hard to get him out of my system but I realised that I am doing all the things that he used to tell me to do. He has always told me to go do all the things I loved but I was happy to come home to him, so much that I stopped all my activities. 

I stopped drinking as much after the last time I got tipsy after an argument after our break up. I have been sticking to the two glasses max that I promised him when we were together. 

I still dream of him. I dream of him climbing into bed with me, holding me tight and telling me that everything will be alright and that kills me sometimes. Cause I know that he will never come back. 

A part of me wants to let him go, to get him out of my life, to get on with my life. Another part of me is still hopeful that he will come back and things will get better. It tears me into two at times. 

The paranoia in me is well managed now. I no longer need to know where is he or what is he doing. I have no right to know anyway. He lives his own life now. He is his own person and he is moving on just fine. 

I'm still living in memories, holding them close to my heart and rethinking what I could have done to make the relationship better. I guess I am someone who lives in memories. 

I know I shouldn't be holding on, I know I should let him go and that I should move on. It's really hard to do when one really loves with all one's heart and soul. 

There's a spot for him in my heart forever, that I know. I should stop clinging onto memories. Memories has no power. Memories are just memories. 

Perhaps I'm just unsettled by how fast he manages to move on. It's like there is a switch in him that just decided to switch off his love for me. No matter how hard I try, it means nothing to him anymore. 

In my head, in my heart

I'm not packed and moved on

Now you're here, now you're gone

Turn the lights off and on

And we're so scared to choose,

Will we win, will we lose?

'Cause love still lives here.

In your eye, in your face

It's like nothing has changed

And I want to believe that it isn't too late

On my skin when we touch

I can still feel the rush

'Cause love still lives here

Could we go just a little bit longer

I don't know if it's right or wrong but, 

Just for now, nothing is over

Can we try just a little bit harder?

We'll burn just a little bit brighte

Tell me now, nothing is over

Nothing is over

Turn the clock, let's go back 

Clear what was and we'll start from scratch

And you walk up t me, I'll be wearing that dress

And you ask me to stay, swear I won't run away

'Cause love begins here

Now can't you see, it's hiding there

Right underneath the mess we made

All we gotta do, is clear it all away

The Now Ex Boyfriend

My last blog post mentioned a partner. He is now my ex partner. Yes, we broke up.

I only have myself to thank for it. He has moved on and I'm holding on to the pain, Trying my best to move on but going round and round in circles. Crying myself to sleep and waking up only to remember that he is no longer with me and crying again. 

He was good to me but I let my previous relationship with my cheating ex husband get to me. I was paranoid about him texting other woman, to the extent that I kept checking him phone every day, I suffocated him. I was a bully who kept trying to teach him what to do, even when it came to his work. 

I was dismissive of his successes, I didn't know how to love him. I am a failure. I kept pushing him away when he kept trying. Unknowingly, he broke down my defenses. I came to love him in a way I never did before. 

We were cohabiting and he came home everyday to me but I demanded that he make a day for me even though his work was very demanding. I treated him badly. 

I didn't understand how his work is important to him and kept demanding. I didn't realise it all until I'd lose him. 

I realised it all too late. He told me he'd never leave me and I took that for granted. Now, it all comes back to haunt me. I keep thinking about how he told me to not give up easily, how he told me he'll never leave. 

I want to keep trying but he has given up. It felt like a stab in the heart when he told me he was done fighting for me. I know I should move on but I don't think it will be anytime soon. I even dream of him. Just last night, I dreamt of him textimg me, us having a nice conversation and getting back together only to wake up and burst into tears. 

I know he has always wanted the best for me and I want to turn this negativity into positivity. I know he has left a very deep mark on me. I want to be able to look back one day and say yes, he left his mark on me, a positive mark. 

I know this will take time, I know that it will hurt. I just didn't know it will hurt this bad. 

What are your goals in life?

Had this discussion with the partner (yes, I'm seeing someone now) the other day and thought I'd blog about it.

As a mother, it seems like I am supposed to give up my life and my goals. People tell me that my goal should be focused on my daughter. They say things like, "you should be focusing on her; make sure she is doing well in school and not thinking about yourself."

Is this how things work? I am human too. I have my dreams, my goals and things I want to do and achieve in life. Are we still human if we gave up all we want for another person?

I dream of travelling the world, I dream of riding my motorcycle to travel the world and I dream of scuba diving in all the beautiful places that mother earth has to offer. These are my dreams and my goals. I want to achieve all these before I grow to old. I want to be able to share stories of my travels with kiddo and travel with her when she grows older.

L is important in my life but there is so much more than just being focused on her academically and monitoring her progress in school. I want her to live life vivaciously, to embrace life and all the this world has to offer.

What are your goals?