The Now Ex Boyfriend

My last blog post mentioned a partner. He is now my ex partner. Yes, we broke up.

I only have myself to thank for it. He has moved on and I'm holding on to the pain, Trying my best to move on but going round and round in circles. Crying myself to sleep and waking up only to remember that he is no longer with me and crying again. 

He was good to me but I let my previous relationship with my cheating ex husband get to me. I was paranoid about him texting other woman, to the extent that I kept checking him phone every day, I suffocated him. I was a bully who kept trying to teach him what to do, even when it came to his work. 

I was dismissive of his successes, I didn't know how to love him. I am a failure. I kept pushing him away when he kept trying. Unknowingly, he broke down my defenses. I came to love him in a way I never did before. 

We were cohabiting and he came home everyday to me but I demanded that he make a day for me even though his work was very demanding. I treated him badly. 

I didn't understand how his work is important to him and kept demanding. I didn't realise it all until I'd lose him. 

I realised it all too late. He told me he'd never leave me and I took that for granted. Now, it all comes back to haunt me. I keep thinking about how he told me to not give up easily, how he told me he'll never leave. 

I want to keep trying but he has given up. It felt like a stab in the heart when he told me he was done fighting for me. I know I should move on but I don't think it will be anytime soon. I even dream of him. Just last night, I dreamt of him textimg me, us having a nice conversation and getting back together only to wake up and burst into tears. 

I know he has always wanted the best for me and I want to turn this negativity into positivity. I know he has left a very deep mark on me. I want to be able to look back one day and say yes, he left his mark on me, a positive mark. 

I know this will take time, I know that it will hurt. I just didn't know it will hurt this bad. 

What are your goals in life?

Had this discussion with the partner (yes, I'm seeing someone now) the other day and thought I'd blog about it.

As a mother, it seems like I am supposed to give up my life and my goals. People tell me that my goal should be focused on my daughter. They say things like, "you should be focusing on her; make sure she is doing well in school and not thinking about yourself."

Is this how things work? I am human too. I have my dreams, my goals and things I want to do and achieve in life. Are we still human if we gave up all we want for another person?

I dream of travelling the world, I dream of riding my motorcycle to travel the world and I dream of scuba diving in all the beautiful places that mother earth has to offer. These are my dreams and my goals. I want to achieve all these before I grow to old. I want to be able to share stories of my travels with kiddo and travel with her when she grows older.

L is important in my life but there is so much more than just being focused on her academically and monitoring her progress in school. I want her to live life vivaciously, to embrace life and all the this world has to offer.

What are your goals?