In A Blur

Ever felt like everything in your life is in a blur?

I've felt this way for a long long time. Ever since I don't know how long ago, everything in my life seems to just whirl pass me.

Every single day is a routine. I wake up in the mornings, come back home, watch tv, climb into bed hugging my precious girl and repeat the same routine the next day.

Ask me what I did today and I can't really give you an answer because everyday feels the same. Ask me what I did last week and I can tell you I cannot recall.

I feel like I'm on Superwoman mode. Having to play mother to my girl, sister to my sister and daughter to my mom.

I feel so numbed to every single thing in my life. Its like I'm running on auto mode. I haven't really cried after finding out the truth about my husband. Because there is no point in crying.

Friends ask me if I'm alright and I always smile and say I'm doing ok. Because there is no way to feel any other way. Yes, I do feel like running away from it all but what's the good of running? I'll have to face it all one day.

Everyone has been telling me to be strong for my girl but what does it really mean to be strong? Is what I'm doing considered being strong?

For Old Time's Sake

I have deleted the videos of our wedding montage for good. Let the healing begin.

順其自然

我想也許我們這一份感情會出現裂痕我們兩個都有責任。  已經不想再想了， 真的累了。  是時候要學會式著讓生活變得清淡， 對幸福或寂寞順其自然。 大喜大悲的日子已不再適合我了。 一心只想好好的把彤彤帶大。 她的幸福將會是我最大的安慰。 要學會怎樣好好的愛自己， 不願再受傷害， 不要再笨下去了。

有時候一個人也能過得精彩

What Did I Get Myself Into?

It is at times like this, in the mornings while waiting for the train or in the evenings on the way back home that my thoughts start to run wild.

What did I get myself into when I decided to marry him? What was I thinking?

We were together at the lowest point of his life, when he was jobless and was unable to find a job because he was once a drug addict and had been to jail for 3 years. I stuck by him and even helped him pay off his $800 fine for having contraband cigarettes. I did not look down on him and encouraged him to keep trying. Eventually he managed to start a small stall in a dry market and did his own business. Life was tough but we were happy. I worked on weekdays and weekends were spent at his stall helping him man the stall. He did not make big bucks but it was enough for him to get by.

Our relationship started falling apart when his business got better. He was a proud man and always carried lots of money with him. All the profits from the stall in fact. He'd carry the money meant to pay the suppliers and would flaunt his money by taking them all out when making payment.

I'm sure its his way of flaunting his wealth that has made his popular with the girls working in the pubs. They thought he is one rich man when in truth, he can barely support his family. His friend also borrow money from him all the time and he lends it to them even though he hasn't got much coz it makes him look loaded.

Being well off really changes a person huh? Just a little bit of money and he thinks he is rich.

After I left him, he claims that business is getting worse, he is not making money and refuses to provide for our girl. It has been really difficult trying to get my money back from him. His mobile line is in my name and I pay for it every month. He promises to pay me back but its been tough trying to get him to pay. He always finds excuses to not pay me.

He even managed to squander the last 1k of our girl's baby bonus which I wanted to save for her future schooling use. He claims that he lent the money to his friend but who knows the truth? Did I mention that he is a compulsive liar? He lies about every single thing. To his friends, to his family and to me.

He did ask me to stay when I left but being a woman, I know when one is sincere or not. He just asks me to stay because that's what his parents want. The fact is he is not sincere at all! Imagine the whole 3 months that I left and yet he did not make the effort to meet me personally to talk to me. So sincere right? He did not want me to leave only because I am the one who gave him everything and when I leave, everything comes with me. My laptop, his mobile line which is in my name, his branded Coach sling bag that I bought for him and even his iPhone.

He says that I make myself look like the victim when he is the real victim. I do agree that he is a victim, a victime of his flirty ways and of his own pride.

Things between us is now so bad that he has resulted to insulting me, calling me fat and saying that I have fat rolls that puts men off. I am sick, tired and disgusted of this man that I once called my husband.

I got myself into this mess and only I can pull myself out of it. I am where I am today only because I am too soft hearted. I can only blame myself.

The Most Shameless Man of the Century!!

I am removing whatever I posted in this post previously, not because I am afraid of them and definitely not afraid of them going to the police.

Its because of a promise I made, to remove this post after he returns me my iphone. I am one to honor my word. No matter how others hurt me or lie to me, I keep my integrity intact.